Adulthood+Partner but no kids!

I've been thinking a lot about kids lately.

Mostly, I've been thinking about the fact that I am growing more and more comfortable with the idea of not having any.

I freely admit that I'm selfish. I'm selfish with my time, my money, my energy, my intellect, my...everything. I have one person in my life that I am not selfish with and we even need time outs every day to recharge and reconnect. Relationships are fulfilling but they are indeed work with a capital "W."

I was an awkward adolescent. I had no concept of style (whether it was hairstyle or clothing), I was embarrassed by my likes and dislikes, I was goofy and smart in a not cool nerd way, and I only wished to be like the "cool" kids never once recognizing that my quirkiness was a wonderful trait.

The other part of this is that I knew from a very early age that I was different. I didn't have the language for it as a kid but as I grew up I knew that I was gay. Most young people today can't believe there was a time when Gay/Straight Alliances and the conversation about gay marriage wasn't a part of the societal landscape but back in 1986-87 when I started high school there was no way I was gonna talk about my sexuality.

Add that to my already natural awkwardness that most people have as teenagers and I was fit to be tied. It didn't help that I was stood up for my prom and had to go with my brother (thanks bro!) when I really just wanted to go with my best friend (who eventually became my first lover).

Now at 37, just three years shy of 40, I'm experiencing a type of late adolescence. Actually, I'm re-experiencing my 20's. My reoccurring adolescence came when I went to college at 25. That was another kind of awkward experience. But it helped me sort of see the person that I wanted to become.

Let me stop right here...most of you are probably thinking...HOW FUCKING SAD IS THIS.

To you I say...yeah, it kind of is sad. It's sad that our society was so closed to me and who I wanted to be that I was simply afraid to come out and say, "Hey, I'm a lesbian and I'm butch and I like boy clothes and yes, I want to wear a tux to prom and take my girlfriend."

Anyway...I'm finally coming into my own. I have a job that pays well, I have my own style, I'm comfortable in my skin and my sexuality, I like what I like and I don't apologize for it. I'm a moderate liberal who is fascinated by the far right (in the same way that most people are fascinated by monkey house at the zoo--my they do remind me of actual humans). And I'm in a very healthy, constantly evolving, loving relationship with my best friend. What more could I ask for?

Nothing.

I don't want to sacrifice these things for another mouth to feed, a butt to wipe, a fear of the future...I just don't think I can do it. And then I look (and work with) today's young people. They are almost a collective of umbilical cord attached idiots. They have this misguided belief (well ingrained into their psyches by their toolshed parents) that they are special (more special than anyone else), that they are entitled, and that they are the center of the universe and we all work for them. The last one I think most kids between 13-18 believe but those first two really get to me. This generation, the millenials are supposed to be the "next great generation." Generation X (my generation) has and continues to be shit on as lazy ingrates and yet all the tech that millenials frequent and help jump the shark are designed for the most part by Gen X'ers.

But besides that I watch shows like Oprah which talk about kids and online predators and read articles or see stories about kids talking about having oral sex because, "its not sex." and all this crap that I'm thinking, "This world is fucked why would I ever bring an innocent into it?"

And back to my selfishness, when people have kids they do have to give up something. The majority of their free time. Its not to say that you can't still have hobbies. But most hobbies cost money and time and I don't want to have to share that. I believe that kids should be the center of your world. You should invest lots of time and money into them. If you can't afford to have a kid then you shouldn't have one and if you can't afford one kid you definitely shouldn't have more! When I say afford I mean the tax that comes with kids...the tax being the emotional and financial cost that kids require and deserve.

I just got enough of that for one full time person in my life. I ain't got it for nobody else.

I have nieces and I love being an aunt. I watch them grow and joke with one of my brothers about the little terror he's raising that will probably have to live with me when she's a teenager because she's going to be just like him---stubborn and mischevious only in girl form. Its the thing that he's most afraid of...as it seems most men are...a daughter who has the same independent streak as them.

This summer we are planning a trip to Vegas for our anniversary. Its not that I think people with kids can't do this. But if we had a kid there would be the added cost of who would watch the munchkin for a week. And could we even afford that trip? Shit, fuck the trip, could we even be able to afford our car payment?

I am a gamer and I don't want to give that up. I spend money on games almost bi-weekly. I want every system and I'm looking forward to getting a new flatscreen to play my games on. I am experiencing the life that I always wanted and I know its selfish but I know if I had kids I don't think I could have that.

All this to say I think we as a society have done a great thing by acknowledging that kids are not miniature adults. They don't need to work in coal mines and on farms and in factories to "earn their keep." I think understanding that childhood and adolescence is a part of a humans natural growing process is wonderful. I think what we have done wrong is that we coddle children to the point that today's children are in essence children way longer than they need to be.

I may feel like a big kid at heart but there is no way I would think at 37 of living at home with my parents. Sorry, I'll downgrade to a studio and get a part time job before I'd ever do that. I'm experiencing my 20's again not infancy. And I'm not talking about living with mom and dad to help them out financially for a few months, I'm talking bout grown ass folks moving into their parents house and they are helping you. Uh-uh. I'm not trying to be judgmental but you gotta take a look at yourself if this has gone down. Really, homie, step back and take a look.

I do however think about the future. Most people who are deciding about kids do it. The thing is this is the wrong reason to think about having kids, "well, if i have them then they'll take care of me when i get old." or "what if i regret not having them."

First, hoping your lil crumb snatchers will take care of you when they're old is probably the worst reason to have kids. It's possible your kid could be a serial killer and spends your old age in prison or maybe you're their first victim. Shit, maybe your kid just doesn't feel that responsibility towards you and when you're old yo ass will be in a nursing home. Maybe your kid will be living under your roof, eating your food, and living off your pension when (s)he's an adult. Maybe your kid dies as a child or adolescent or young adult. I mean there are so many more maybes of tragedy before you can even think about them being an adult who actually wants you in their lives when they grow up. Bad reason to have kids.

Second, regretting not having kids is almost as bad as "staying together for the kids sake." Both are simply bullshit. If you even thought your genes were worth passing on you would have done so by now. Most people who want babies tend to jump right into the pool without thinking. Their happy accidents tend to be on their radar from the moment they can conceive or create. But what if you have this baby and you regret having the baby. Damn...that's a mistake you can't take back. I'd rather err on the side of caution. I'd rather foster or be a bomb ass aunt (or maybe in your case uncle) and get all the cool parts of parenting without the bad crap.

I guess I just think having kids should be thought out more. I think most people should sit back and really follow through with the understanding of what it means to be a parent. It's amazing to me that parenting is still idolized and romanticized. Even the crying baby at 3am, gets this little "ahhh" tingle moment in commercials and movies. Please. I don't even like being awake at 3am on a weekday to play video games much less to hear some wailing from the other room. And I know people say, "well if you had kids you'd understand." Like hell. I know plenty of people with kids and most of them are unhappy. Unhappy with their lives because their kids are the reason why they are in relationships with people they dislike, the fact that they have a kid and the baby daddy ain't paying child support, they can't afford to do shit cause the baby needs its shots or meds or just some damn milk. They can't have a decent conversation on the phone cause the baby is crying or the little kid keeps interrupting. I mean then when they do go out they act like plumb idiots because its like, "woo-hoo baby free night! I need to drink until my brain explodes." Its really simply sad.

I do on the other hand know people who have kids and they love it. fortunately we are still cool cause they recognize that their experience is not the norm and my life without kids doesn't make me a spinster or some weird casualty of "the liberal left." *chuckle* Yet, they are few and far between. Mostly what I see when I see parents are people who have only one nerve left and the kid is trouncing all over it. And of course, I see the result of bad parenting every day. It's not enough that parents these days are so overwhelmingly attached to thier children but they just don't know how much they are ruining their kids for the future. It's sad when I'm sitting in front of a parent and a child and the parents are pleading with me for answers that thier child should be giving them.

*sigh*

The more I see things about kids; the more I know that I don't really want to be a parent. I just don't think I have it in me.